Here is something few people told when I was pregnant and about to become a new mom. Among the many emotions I've experienced as a parent, guilt is likely to be right up there at the top.
The stakes for parents these days are higher than ever. We live in an age of high expectations that everything is a Kodak, or nowadays a Facebook, moment. It is very easy for us--especially mothers of newborns out of love and concern to feel traumatized quickly over all sorts of things.
Here are five of some of the most common reasons that I feel guilty for and even more reasons why we should learn to cut ourselves a break.
1. Not feeling it.
I don't feel the instantaneous unconditional mother's love I was expecting. I feel like that is what I am supposed to have and I feel shame about it.
Although most women do feel an immediate bond--like my mother to me--upon giving birth to their baby, many don't. I think it is quite understandable; pregnancy and giving birth is a great trauma to our body.
Think about it: In most cases after surgery or other physical challenges of injuries, we rest, care for ourselves and perhaps have others tend to our needs until we are back on our feet. Not the case upon becoming a new mom. Giving birth to a baby sometimes comes with many uncomfortable and even downright painful side effects--an episiotomy, perhaps a C-section delivery (been through that) and the pain and soreness that can come with breastfeeding.
But instead of resting, I face sleepless nights/zombie-mode nights and the physical and emotional demands that come with caring for a newborn baby.
Many families do not have the financial means to pay for baby nurses or nannies/yayas and may not have extended family support to help care for the newborn. So after going through this unbelievable thing with my body and mind, I am then supposed to be super happy and performing things when I am exhausted and tired. Not everybody has the means to do this and all of this adds to the stress.
What I Did: To relieve some of the pressure, I take a clue from my beau, my significant other. Sometimes, I think, it is more common that a father doesn't become emotionally connected until the baby becomes more interactive, but they don't have the same expectations that us women have for ourselves. For that reason, many do not struggle with the same level of guilt that new moms often feel.
2. Not breastfeeding every time
This guilt is my mom's new-mom guilt.
Every article about breastfeeding that I read highly recommends that healthy women breastfeed their babies for the first 6 to 12 months of life. There is ample evidence that breastfeeding has health benefits both for babies and mothers.
For that reason, new moms face a tremendous amount of pressure to breastfeed. If you've recently given birth, there's a good chance you were paid a visit in the hospital by a lactation consuktant extolling the benefits of breastfeeding or were bombarded with literature on the topic.
Because of all that there is an increased level of guilt among mothers who don't think they can pull it off.
The fact is, however, that nursing simply doesn't work well for all families for a range of reasons, which unfortunately, can leave many new moms feeling horrible about the health benefits they think they are denying their new bundle of joy.
Breast is best but formula is a wonderful alternative if it doesn't make sense for your lifestyle or is not possible for any reason. For me, there is nothing wrong with formula. Babies will get the optimal nutrition they need.
The most important issue is us, being a content mother. Being an unhappy nursing mom is not better than a happy mom feeding her baby joyfully with formula.
3. Returning to work--or school, for me.
Returning to what you are used to do before getting pregnant is one of the biggest guilt inducers a new mom can face. And though it is understandable to want to be at home with your baby, experts say children are remarkably resilient and can adapt and thrive in many different types of family arrangements. I agree to this because I have experienced this with my mom, she returned to her work, being a Nutritionist-Dietitian, 2 months after giving birth to me.
The reality is that over the past decade--and especially today, given the economy--many families have cone to rely on the income of both partners. My mother always says, "Kailangan kong gawin ang alam kong tama para sa pamilya natin."
Doing what is right often means earning enough money to keep a family clothed, sheltered and fed, but it also means making sure that as a parent that you are personally fulfilled. Some moms are better mothers working part of full time. As for me, I do not know yet, I need to graduate first and foremost. *wink!
As a woman, having an outlet and sense of purpose both inside and outside of the home helps me to feel whole. Wholeness makes for a better parent.
Even the best of circumstance, however, can leave working moms feeling pulled between home and work, which can lead to feeling of guilt. The key to combating this--planning.
Be organized so when you get home from work you can share time with your baby and partner. You don't want to get home and find you have no diapers.
Work out a division of labor between you and your partner, if you have one. Or asking for help from your friends and family. It will be easier for you to relax and enjoy being a parent.
4. Leaving your child in day care.
Going back to work usually means leaving your child in the care of someone else. Shouldn't you feel guilty about that?
As long as you have reliable and trustworthy child care and find meaning in the work you do and it completes you and you're able to maintain and strike a balance, it's a healthy thing to do.
I can say that children actually benefit from being in the care of another loving adult. The fact is they are providing stimulation and teaching kids to socialize and accept other people, which are all helpful things.
Based on my experience, I found babysitters with skills different than my own and that contribute to my daughter's life in wonderful ways. They can bring in a different dimension and encourage different talents in your children.
The bottom line is; I like to emphasize to you, yes you, the one reading this, that it is the quality rather thab the quantity of time you spend with your kids.
5. Taking time for yourself
As difficult as it can be to find the time, I always make sure that I continue to exercise, spend time with my friends--without my baby--not to mention some bond with my significant other. And drop the guilt because taking time for yourself, experts say, can be a benefit for you and your child.
I want to say that it is important for each person to have an outlet and a way of recharging
and re-energizing to be the best parent we can be.
Release the guilt
With so much information available in books and online about how to raise children, many new moms are left with the sense that they could always be doing more for thei child.
We're always falling short of our sense of self.
The truth is that a mom who knows how to relax with her child and enjoy the process is likely to be happier within herself, and therefore, a better mom.
The key is to deal with your perfectionism. It's important to be realistic.
This info is not intended to replace the advice of the doctor. MHM diclaims any liability for the decisions you make based on this info.
